Is it love or longed regret? If you only knew…

I am not sure how to feel. You cross my mind once or twice everyday. I am not sure why. I have only been in love once. In high school. He was the one I could see myself with forever. Forever wasn’t reality. Forever was just an imaginary timeline that we learn in fairytales. Fairytales that don’t teach us about life but what our life could be if we grew up in the land of dragons, princes, princesses, balls and formal dresses. The land of being rescued by “Prince Charming”. How could we know as young girls that the real “Prince Charming” is probably a rebel or someone not too great for us. It’s in his name. “Charming”. He is charming because he knows what to do to get in your head, to get in your heart. He was a fleeting lost romance I had not too long ago. He was perfect in my head. Attractive, tall, fun to be around and sarcastic. Just like I like them. But, he was wrong. He was wrong, not only for my life but for me. He was a fleeting chance to be a rebel. I couldn’t be a rebel. It wasn’t in my nature. My nature was a combined effort of my life. I could be sarcastic, I could be kind, I could be sweet and I could be moody. I can have an attitude when I want but I can also be the greatest love you may ever have. I didn’t think it was possible. Too be stuck on you. It’s been 3 years now since we had anything remotely emotional. I saw you a few months ago. I caught your eye and here you came. You came to say hello, and then a quick goodbye. But that quick goodbye didn’t exist. My heart is still holding on, to the chance I never gave myself. I was selfish, I protected my heart. But while protecting my heart, I kept you out of it. I didn’t let you in and I was selfish. I was scared, I feared that if you loved me you would leave me. I’m sorry. I wish I could go back, to that night, I wish I would have said, “I’ll dance with you. I may not know much, but we can have some fun”. That would of changed everything. I would of looked up at you, looked into your eyes and felt the fairytale. The fairytale I said could never exist. The ones we learn from storybooks. The ones where the Princess falls in love with her Prince. The one who isn’t charming or a rebel. The one who looks at you like you are everything. The one who has looked at you for years the same way. You never changed that. You always looked at me the same way. With eyes of wonder, with eyes that could shower me with love and affection. Eyes that just wanted to love me. I try to block you out somehow. I texted you the other day. You asked how I was. The conversation was short and sweet. You asked where I was, I told you. I never heard back. I look back and realize I broke your heart. But, while breaking yours, I also broke mine. I am sorry. You still have those fragments. I don’t know if you realize that. I hope me sending you a message shows you I still haven’t got them back. As I wrote this, something came over me. Some tears, butterflies and a smile. The butterflies that have been there since day one are still here. Waiting to be unleashed. I am pretty sure it isn’t longed regret. I think I’m in love. I think I’m in love with you. I can only ask our Heavenly Father that he continues to guide us to HIM. He is the true love of our life. And if in that journey of loving and learning with HIM that we are meant to journey together, I pray that he bless our union and bring us together once more.

I don’t know if you will ever read this. I don’t if you will ever see it. I just know one thing.

I love you. I only want the best for you. May our friendship stay strong & our potential love take bloom. Patience is truly a virtue and waiting for you is one of the hardest things I have done. My heart is open. My heart is ready.

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