I take back those words I said in my head. I take back the words that I threw on this page yesterday. I take them all back.
I have always been the type of girl who was “too cautious”. Too cautious to go out, too cautious to party, too cautious to take risks, too cautious to fall hard for any guy I have had the chance with. I partied in college yeah, but even then, I was a cautious party-er; as I never let myself ever go to far. Which is not the worst thing to do, but I don’t have those crazy awesome memories that some people have because I never let myself get there. My conscious is sometimes overpowering when it comes to things. It may not even be my conscious than it is my fear. Fear of being hurt, fear of being judged, fear of being myself.
Yesterday, I made a quick judgement and made it into negativity. Why you ask? Because that is something that a “cautious” girl would do. She would assume the worst to protect herself. To protect herself from the unknown. But, at the same time, I said that this year would be a year of change. A year of risk taking, a year of new beginnings. I feel the changes in some parts of me, but others, like letting myself fully fall for someone, to let their person engulf me, is still a challenge.
Last week, I went out for a friend’s birthday and a guy asked me to dance. I was like okay sure (why not, its just harmless fun). Yet, when he put his hands on my hips, I felt myself shudder. I couldn’t deal with dancing with a stranger. I have danced with male friends before and it doesn’t bother me as much, but with a stranger, I couldn’t do it. I thought why was this. Because, I need to be friends, I need to be comfortable with a person before we are on that level. But, it goes deeper than that, doesn’t it?
It goes back to that date. That day that changed my life forever. I get sad every time I think about it. The day my father broke my heart. I know that the whole correlation doesn’t make too much sense. But, I haven’t given all the details yet. It will all come together.