Look at your city. Look at as it passes by you in slow motion. The slow motion that in reality looks faster than you realize. Reality sets in and everyone is moving so fast. Take a second, sit on a bench in the middle of town. Look up at the old red bricks that grace the top of the new and “improved” building down below. Look there, what is that? Is that a statue? A statue of a knight. A knight that you would have never seen because you had never looked up. You had never looked up in your city. Only down and around. Down on your phone or around at people. Do you see people or do they just flutter past your corneas? Do you think they see the knight in shining armor looking down upon them? It shimmers in the sunlight, does someone clean it? Has it sat up there for centuries next to the old bricks that grace upon the fancy new stores? One day just take a seat and look up. Look up at the old bricks that once told the story of this city. Your city. Our city. These cities. These old bricks could tell you about so many histories, histories that you probably didn’t read in your text books. Histories of struggling families, rich wealthy families and those working families in between. Just look up. By looking up, you see so much more than what you planned. By looking up, you see a whole new world, old world, come back to life again. This city. Your city. Our city. These cities.
I am not sure how to feel. You cross my mind once or twice everyday. I am not sure why. I have only been in love once. In high school. He was the one I could see myself with forever. Forever wasn’t reality. Forever was just an imaginary timeline that we learn in fairytales. Fairytales that don’t teach us about life but what our life could be if we grew up in the land of dragons, princes, princesses, balls and formal dresses. The land of being rescued by “Prince Charming”. How could we know as young girls that the real “Prince Charming” is probably a rebel or someone not too great for us. It’s in his name. “Charming”. He is charming because he knows what to do to get in your head, to get in your heart. He was a fleeting lost romance I had not too long ago. He was perfect in my head. Attractive, tall, fun to be around and sarcastic. Just like I like them. But, he was wrong. He was wrong, not only for my life but for me. He was a fleeting chance to be a rebel. I couldn’t be a rebel. It wasn’t in my nature. My nature was a combined effort of my life. I could be sarcastic, I could be kind, I could be sweet and I could be moody. I can have an attitude when I want but I can also be the greatest love you may ever have. I didn’t think it was possible. Too be stuck on you. It’s been 3 years now since we had anything remotely emotional. I saw you a few months ago. I caught your eye and here you came. You came to say hello, and then a quick goodbye. But that quick goodbye didn’t exist. My heart is still holding on, to the chance I never gave myself. I was selfish, I protected my heart. But while protecting my heart, I kept you out of it. I didn’t let you in and I was selfish. I was scared, I feared that if you loved me you would leave me. I’m sorry. I wish I could go back, to that night, I wish I would have said, “I’ll dance with you. I may not know much, but we can have some fun”. That would of changed everything. I would of looked up at you, looked into your eyes and felt the fairytale. The fairytale I said could never exist. The ones we learn from storybooks. The ones where the Princess falls in love with her Prince. The one who isn’t charming or a rebel. The one who looks at you like you are everything. The one who has looked at you for years the same way. You never changed that. You always looked at me the same way. With eyes of wonder, with eyes that could shower me with love and affection. Eyes that just wanted to love me. I try to block you out somehow. I texted you the other day. You asked how I was. The conversation was short and sweet. You asked where I was, I told you. I never heard back. I look back and realize I broke your heart. But, while breaking yours, I also broke mine. I am sorry. You still have those fragments. I don’t know if you realize that. I hope me sending you a message shows you I still haven’t got them back. As I wrote this, something came over me. Some tears, butterflies and a smile. The butterflies that have been there since day one are still here. Waiting to be unleashed. I am pretty sure it isn’t longed regret. I think I’m in love. I think I’m in love with you. I can only ask our Heavenly Father that he continues to guide us to HIM. He is the true love of our life. And if in that journey of loving and learning with HIM that we are meant to journey together, I pray that he bless our union and bring us together once more.
I don’t know if you will ever read this. I don’t if you will ever see it. I just know one thing.
I love you. I only want the best for you. May our friendship stay strong & our potential love take bloom. Patience is truly a virtue and waiting for you is one of the hardest things I have done. My heart is open. My heart is ready.
Everything has a time. Everything has a place. Maybe our timing was just off. Maybe we were meant to love each other but not be together. How are you supposed to know when your heart yearns for someone not there?
The space that we had together, was something so simple. Nothing grand or perfect. Just simplicity in it’s best form. The space created through hearts, clear yet spacious. It was like a conscious being, it never let us chose our distance. Some days, we were closer than ever, and other days, we were farther than we had ever been.
Timing. The butterflies you left in my stomach are still there, waiting for another chance to pollinate, another chance to be set free. They never left, just as my feelings are still strong.
Just because the timing was off, doesn’t mean we aren’t meant to be one day. Just because our love wasn’t strong enough doesn’t mean it won’t be one day.
My heart aches some days, for the way I treated you, for the way I kept us from loving one another. I wasn’t meant to fall for you. I didn’t see you coming. I wasn’t ready. But, now I am.
With this space between us, are you ready to love me? The timing may be just right.
Its January 1st, 2015. Brand new year. I haven’t written in awhile, been busy at work. It is really different having a full time job, and not really taking out time to focus on yourself. People have asked me, “What’s your new years resolution”? And, I don’t really reply. I have been constantly working on myself this past year, and I plan to continue that journey. But, I guess if I had to pick one, it would be to focus on myself. To continue the growth that I have began to notice about myself. I am definitely not the same person I was in high school and I am not really the person I was in college. I am a little bit of both combined. There are still lots of things that I want to change about myself to make myself healthier, better and pursue my dreams. At the same time, there are a lot of ways that I have grown and I love about myself.
They say that the 20’s are your selfish years. Five months from now, I will be turning 25. Wow, quarter life turning point. I am excited, and nervous and grateful for the opportunities I have been given so far. Yes, I have done a lot, such as go to college, graduate from said college, give up a year for service, and now I have a set job. I am not sure where to go next.
I am going into 2015 with CLEAR EYES. FULL HEART. and with that mindset, I CANT LOSE.
Hobbies seem to come and go, like a breeze on a fall day. As a student in middle school, I always wanted to make the best of the memories that entailed my days at St. George. I didn’t always have the best times then, but, then again they weren’t the worst times. I had a lot of great memories to bring home everyday after school, so where would I put these memories? In a scrapbook of course. They were all the things from pictures to valentines day cards to movie ticket stubs to remember what movies I saw back then. I also used to cut out travel magazines of all the places I wanted to visit. Today, I decided to start that trend all over again. I took the memories of my year of service and pasted them into a book with sunflowers on the outside. I enjoyed putting my memories in a book that I could show my family. So I guess the next thing would be to go travel to the places I used to cut out. And make a scrapbook of my travels.
They say don’t get a job in your passions or hobbies, but what if that’s all you know?
- Download a banking app.
- Drink more herbal tea. It will save your life.
- Making your own coffee/tea instead of buying it will make you a rich woman.
- Always have at least 6 chap sticks stocked up.
- Check out thrift stores. You may have to wash things three times before you get the old lady smell out, but it’s well worth it.
- Never buy cheap jeans.
- Buy cheap sunglasses instead.
- Don’t chase boys.
- Wrinkle spray and a hair dryer erase all need to ever use an iron for all of you lazy ironers like me.
- Wear slippers when you have to drive in heels.
- Wear slippers when you’re travelling.
- Wear slippers at all moments that it’s even slightly acceptable to wear slippers.
- Spend a little extra money on your make up; it’s so worth it.
- Get running sneakers that are actually…
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I don’t know who you are yet. I don’t know what you look like. I don’t know the color of your eyes. I don’t know the color of your skin. I don’t know your name. There are a lot of things that I don’t know about you, but there are a couple of things that I want you to know.
You’re Already Beautiful. Congratulations, babe, you did it. You are already beautiful. Seriously. If beauty is a game, you’re a pro. You are perfect already. You were beautifully and wonderfully made. You have nothing to fix. Let me say that again, you have nothing to fix. God did not mess-up on you. I know what society is telling you. “You have to look like this, wear this, and have this in order to be beautiful.” Nope. You’re already beautiful. Beauty is more than what…
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Junior year at Fordham marks the dawn of a new era. Your peers jet off to every continent to study abroad and experience a true preview of what real life is like by moving into their very first off campus apartment. With subletting all under control and study abroad applications approved, it’s finally time to take the reigns of upperclassmen life into your own two hands and make it count.
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I had neither of these experiences. An unfortunate change in majors halfway through my college career prevented me from studying abroad, and my parents’ reservations about the surrounding area kept me cooped up on campus. I was going to live with five brand new roommates who I barely knew, and let me tell you, I. Was. Nervous. I was eager for acceptance, anxious to be the best roommate I could be to these strangers, and determined…
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- “I love your feet only because they walked upon the earth and upon the wind and upon the waters, until they found me.”
- “I want to do with you what spring does with the cherry trees.”
- “I want to eat the sunbeam flaring in your lovely body, the sovereign nose of your arrogant face, I want to eat the fleeting shade of your lashes.”
- “I love you as certain dark things are to be loved, in secret, between the shadow and the soul.”
- “You are like nobody since I love you.”
- “I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you simply, without problems or pride: I love you in this way because I do not know any other way of loving but this, in which there is no I or you, so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand, so intimate…
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